I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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