The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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