I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
