my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
