apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
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I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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