So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
foreskin is a definite game changer
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Randomize
