It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
