Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Drunk is a universal language darling
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
