I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Randomize
