he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
