If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Randomize
