I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
