Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Randomize
