unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
