her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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