i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
