and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
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If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
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