I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Randomize
