watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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