I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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