she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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