just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
