my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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