my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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