She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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