he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
