The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
