The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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