I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Randomize
