Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
wanna go halves on a baby?
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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