So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
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You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
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Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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