What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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