I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
