i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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