I wish I could teleport
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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