He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
