so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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