i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
