Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
