I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
