found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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