I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
