I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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