I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
