my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
