he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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