he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
