i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
