YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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