How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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