Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
