Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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