my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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