In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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