i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
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