If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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