I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
