At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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